It's just after 9pm as I sit and write this intermingled infested thoughtfest. I've been,metaphorically mind you, running fifty miles a day and haven't slowed down to breath. I did not realize just how scattered and thin I have gotten because of it. I have not had much time to think let alone write. Result, I sat down tonight to try and write a blog in between laundry and bed.
In my down time, I have not done much but play my xbox and read a little bit. Well, that and spend time with my little one. Love that little girl more than life itself and would give anything for things to not be so rough on her. She has bore the past couple of years like a champ and I am so proud of her for it, she's a good kid. Anyway, side tracked there...
I'm three episodes in to Californication, at the moment, and I had forgotten how much I loved this show. It makes me laugh in ways that I haven't laughed in ages. However, it did make me start to think about things. I have many irons in the fire, to push another metaphor out there. I have some choices to make. I like writing and I think that I would like to try and make a career out of it or at least a solid side gig. However, I know how hard it is to get published and I also know how much effort it takes. Right now, I am ill-equipped to make it a solid focal point. However, I am going to try.
I also want to put out there that I am going back to school. I know, right... wtf is wrong with me? I am going back to get a second bachelor's or maybe to get a masters, I do not know where the road will take me yet. Though, honestly, I am thinking I'd prefer the second bachelor's degree. Mostly because this one is going to be something I am actually interested in for me and not because of my career.
Ya see, a long time ago back when I was a wee lad, I decided that I was going to get an education beyond my highschooling. I decided to go to college and get my degree. My initial plan was to go in to graphic design. Then I met a man by the name of Tom Silver. A very big bag of dicks. He made pretty much my entire basic design class reconsider graphic design and, in some of our cases, college completely. At any rate, after my little excursion in dick of teachers anonymous's classes I had a change of heart or so I thought. I went back to my advisor and changed some things around and decided to give programming and data management a go. I lied to myself for years and said that it was because it was a challenge and I wanted something to test me. As it turns out, if you lie to yourself long enough you do eventually believe your own lies.
Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my current career path; I'm just not overly fond of where I am at with it in my life. I am decent, maybe even good, at what I do. I am not so ego filled as to think that I am the best; thought at one point I used to think I was and, also at one point, I was one of the best in the field. I will say that is thanks to a mentor or two I am, maybe was is a better word, friends with in my past. I learned a fair amount about electronics in general and a ton about computers and software applications. I have extensive experience in PC work in general. Even now, I have a few good mentors to learn from. I have just found that I am not happy in this field. So, to get back to the point, I started to think about where I was in my life. I figure if I am not happy at what I do then maybe I should find something I am happy to do. I have figure out how I am going to juggle work, my little one and our time together, school, and anything resembling a social life. In the end, I am going to find a way and I am going to push forward in my life. It's time I find something I like to do and do it. I want it understood that I don't hate my current job but I am not as happy as I wish I could be. I don't want to look back at my life and see that I lived it miserable and unhappy. I want to be thought of as grouchy and angry.
Which leads me to my next brainfart thought, I used to be outspoken and up front. I didn't use to be the unafraid of speaking my mind. It didn't matter who you were or what you did; I was always honest and blunt with you. I ascribed to the theory that it's better to be honest with people and let them know who you are and where you stand with me. Somewhere along the way, and I'm not completely sure when, I was shattered apart and put back together. In that re-assemblage, that part of me was destroyed. I think it happened when I decided to make the mistake of letting my guard down and letting someone inside these burdened walls. The course of my life from there went through many twists and turns and now... Well, now, I spend more time wondering if my next suggestion will get me fired or slapped rather than just telling someone what's really on my mind. I am moving slowly back to being the person that is not afraid to speak my mind again; at least, I hope to get back to that person. Not because I want to be an asshole to everyone (though I have been told I am still an asshole to people) but because I feel like I was more successful when I was more direct with people. Of course, in fairness, I understood more then, I was stronger willed and was more knowledgeable. At least, I felt more knowledgeable. Who knows though.... one day the world might break and hell will freeze over, we'll see.
There are many other thoughts rolling around in here but now that it's just shy of midnight and my laptop batter is about to die and my laundry is in need of hanging; then I should probably go get the clean clothes, put them up, take my meds and go sleep what little sleep I am going to get before my long ass week tomorrow. Oh, and the spark for this little slightly confusing rant was the tv show in question because as I sat and watched this man go from one woman to the next I thought about how in the shitter my life really is and will be. It burned in to me a desire to get some of it out. Now, I just want to go watch the world burn and make my way through the ashes and come out the other side with maybe a little more perspective. Until next time....