I want to apologize for not having kept up with the every other day posts. It has been an emotional couple of weeks for me and the next four months are going to be one hell of a roller coaster for me.
For those of you that keep up with the blog or those of you that know me, you already know my father passed a week before my birthday last year. Nov. 7, 2014. He battled a blood cancer called Multiple Myeloma. It is not an illness to be taken lightly. When I first read about it I was completely shocked because I never knew about blood cancer. I am intelligent man but I never considered that cancer could attack more than just skin, lungs, or the brain. It literally just never occurred to me.
Boy did that change after I found out about my father's illness. Many things changed for me. My life was then starting a roller coaster which, now five years later, has somewhat evened out but it still has it's curvy moments. I've been a real son of a bitch to deal with for the past five years and it doesn't help that I do not know how to emotionally open up all that well. But that's beside the point....
The last real family time that I was ever able to spend with my father and the rest of our family was about this time last year. We all got together for a labor day grill out. It was shortly after that get together that he started going in to and coming out of the hospital and was never out for more than a few days before going right back. At first, I did not recognize the signs; however, it slowly dawned on me what was happening.
As a result, my emotions are ALL OVER THE PLACE right now. I am struggling to stay focused on my writing and I am struggling to not shut down and go hide in a corner. I have a friend who lost his mother close to this time, though it was a little later in the year for him (not 2014 either) if I remember correctly. He told me, after all that happened last year, that this year would be worst because it is the year of the FIRSTS. This is the first year he's been gone. This is the first year without him. This is the first full year I've had to deal with his absence. Even through out October, November, and December it will be a time of firsts. Yes, He was gone last year during the holiday season but I was so busy avoiding that fact and or being numb to it that I didn't truly process what happened. This year, that will not be the case. It is already starting and I am not sure how I am going to make it through this time.
I know I will try to put one foot in front of the other and I will try to focus on time with my wife and my daughter and I will spend time with my mother because this is going to be so incredibly hard on her; more so than myself or my sister and her kids. We lost a father but she lost her partner of thirty five years. My heart goes out to her.
So, suffice to say, I miss my dad. I have been missing him. I find myself yearning for just one more 2AM phone call to talk, wanting for one more day of "please help me fix this damn computer, needing one more earful of his rantings about politics or stupid people, and wishing I could have just one more hug. The hug that I would never let go of because it means it would be my last.