Most of you have probably heard it said that be considerate of others and their feelings because you never know what a person is going through. I would venture to say that the average person does not necessarily care what someone else is going through. Being a human being, by it's very nature, is selfish or self absorbed for the most part. That's not to say that we don't care about our fellow man or about people. Hell it's not even to say that human beings are bad. Just as with everything, there are generalizations about it. However that's veering off course.
This is the start of what I, until a short while ago, is a blog about a night (tonight) that I needed and never knew it nor did I know it would turn out to be the night I needed. To say that my life has been stressful is an understatement and the past almost seven years have been incredibly hefty on the stress. The last six months have been the worst I have had for a long while. I have spent many a nights awake and crying because I have been so messed up that I didn't know where to turn, who to talk to, or what it was I was looking for other than help. I needed help, I need help, and that is all I can truly say. I am not sure what kind of help really but help. I am a man of solid foundation in the faith department. I believe in God. Always have. Always will. That doesn't mean that I always have faith in God or that I believe God is all good or good for us. In fact, I subscribe to a rough theory that God is always there but not always gentle and loving the way people want to believe (well some people). My faith has been tested and shattered (or fragmented at the very least) over recent months...(years, honestly thinking about it). However, God is not some horrible entity. I do not want one to think, by reading this, that I hate God or abhor the all knowing entity of Christianity. I don't. Again, I'm getting drug off course because I'm giving background. The point is that I believe in God but not in a way that most others do and the same goes for the idea of Hell and Lucifer.
The chaos that has been my life, of the recent days, weeks, months, and years has almost had me come unhinged in the past few weeks. Remember what I said to start: You never know what a person is thinking or feeling so do your best to be considerate. I haven't always been successful in that department myself but I have always tried. Regardless of what you are told or what you may think of me, I have always tried to live that way.
So, what does all this have to do with a short while ago? You never know what life is going to hand you, throw at you, bash you with, crush you in to the dirt with and watch you squirm to survive. No one knows that I have cried so many nigts. No one knows how many nights I begged for death because I truly felt it is what would be best for my daughter and many others in my life. Their lives would easier with me gone. The stress was pushing me past my breaking point and I had lost how to cope with it. Work sucked, my personal life was gone, my romantic life doesn't exist, my friends did nothing but give me shit about my life and my choices. Almost everyone did nothing and I had little to no help. (I had some and it is likely what saved my life. The strongest of us can break and the weakest of us can be the toughest you've ever seen. I land somewhere in the middle but I do my very best as a rule and I wish the best for others.)
Being at my breaking point for so long has taken its toll and I have been lost for so long that tonight came as a shock. So what happened tonight? Well for a start, I am running on two hours and fifteen minutes of sleep. I left my friend Paul's house at the late hour of 3:40AM. Finalized most of our plans for the 4th of July weekend... or in this case: the actual 4th of July. I had to pick up my niece and nephew from my sister so they could spend the evening (tonight and part of tomorrow). Tonight was also a gathering that I was not exactly sure if I wanted to go to and participate. Now, again, don't get me wrong. It has nothing to do with the people involved in this gathering. They are, in fact, great people and always friendly. The fault all lay with me. Ever since my marriage went to pot and that was added to the chaos of my life; I have discovered an inability to be sociable. This is not something that used to be a problem. I used to not care about other people and what they thought of me. (That self absorbed things makes more sense, eh?)
Ok, now that you have some background it's time for what happened. Things can happen in a shadow of disguise that we are bound to not notice. That or when we notice we do so past the point of acceptance or just do not bother to recognized it honestly and thus these things tend to be forgotten. Tonight, what happened was a good thing. I got some much needed relief from the stress of my own life. I was able to get away for a little while. Tonight was my daughter's T-Ball celebration of an incredible season. It was a BBQ at her head coach's house. So this, for a start, is a thank you to the people that threw this shindig, Eric and Kim Bailey. They are wonderful and beautiful people. They, along with the rest of the T-Ball parents and coaches gave me something that I did not even realize was happening at the time. This gathers was something I dreaded because I no longer function well in social settings. I am to much afraid of being 'that guy'. I am to worried about being made fun of, laughed at, not liked, despised, etc... I could go on (believe me the list is a long one) but you get the picture. This gathering turned out to be just what I needed. It was a gathering where I was in the company of people who, (Now for surity and truth), accept me for who I am... or at least the part of me that they know. I am not hiding who I am but not all parts of a person come out at once. I arrived before Darcy and her mother. I swam with my insecurity and wanted to turn around and leave but I bit down on all my fears and I moved forward. Again, I was welcomed with open arms and spoken to with true like and respect. (I don't know why but it always amazes me when I run in to this... and my friends deserve better from me.) As this night rolled on, Eric and I talked a little and I mingled a little but mostly I kept to myself because I still wasn't quite comfortable. After dinner, Eric pulled me and a couple of others down to his basket ball goal and we just goofed off and shot some hoops. Slowly, I realize now, I felt myself letting go of all my shame and insecurity. My worries melted in to the background for just a little while. Now, I blink and find myself in the midst of a group of people having a blast playing a random (and mostly endless) game of Volley Ball where until just before the end of this evening; we did not even keep score. we all laughed and joked and I felt at home. I was comfortable and didn't even realize what had happened. I had fun. I had a grand time and all this from something I was worried about because I am socially awkward.
Of course I didn't realize any of this until just a short forty five minutes ago as I sat down to write this blog. That thing, at the begining, about not knowing what someone is going through. It is true and the people that I was surrounded by tonight made all that melt away. I haven't had that happen in such a long time. I am thankful for it. While I do not know if any of them will read this or ever notice how much this may have been just another day to them was a big deal to me; I am still putting this out there because it needs to be said. I did tell Kim and Eric thank you and I thanked several others as I was leaving. I didn't know just how thankful I really was until now. I was given tonight, something I have needed for a long long time. I needed a break from the worries and stress of my own life. I hope I can pass that on to others in the future. I don't want to be filled with negativity and all the rough emotions and insecurities that I have but I am. I get in my own way so much of the time that I forget that maybe... just maybe... I am a likeable person.
That all bore in mind, I would like to thank those from tonight's big party. I'm horrible with name so I'm not even going to attempt to break that list out. Besides, I'm sure I would forget someone and then I would go right back to feeling horrible. In any event, I am thankful for a fun filled evening and I hope future holds more of them with the people I spent time with tonight.