I am learning a lot about myself these days. I look back on the past years of my life and I realize just how much I really have changed and it seems that most of it is not for the better. I reflect on the choices I’ve made and the people I have likely hurt and understand that intent does not matter so much when the outcomes is disastrous or hurtful to others. Looking back, seeing the things I’ve done, and learning that I need to accept the things I cannot change is a hard action to take. I don’t know what to do now, about these things. Hell, in reality, I really can’t do anything the more I think about it.
I have always been a very blunt and direct individual and I have always been outspoken and often share my mind. I never considered what my thoughts might do to others. No, I’m not talking about voicing my feelings over the stupidity that is America or the so called Democratic government that we have. I think I am a very liberal minded person in that regard but that has not a thing to do with the subject of which I speak. I am talking about my opinions, for a long while, of the opposite sex, or of co-workers, or even of some of my so called friends and my family.
I have had a bad run in the relationship department and I have been burned and used more times than I care to recount or can really keep track of in this world of mine. I am a very soft hearted person or at least I used to be. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and it was out there for anyone to crush and take advantage of me. Because of my own stupidity, in this instances, I became very jaded and disgusted with relationships and women in general. From having a female boss (more than one over the course of time) that treated the men under her like scum and garbage to dealing with pompous self-absorbed women to watching what I saw (and I saw it a lot) as women being gold diggers or users; I had very few positive experiences with girls. A good example of this, that very few know, is that I was accused of attempted rape of a girl at one job. Another friend of mine was accused of sexual harassment at the same job by a different girl. The thing about both cases is that neither was true. It was women making a power play to gain strength or to reach some end goal and we were both casualties of war. Things like this, among other experiences, taught me to be very guarded. When you have a woman tell you she loves you and wants to be with you and you are sucker enough to believe it even though the signs that are there say otherwise… That wreaks of desperation and complete loneliness.
I am that person. I am the one who fears being completely alone. I have never found myself feeling worthy of being loved, thought I tried. I pay a heavy price for that past now. My past pains are catching up to me in such a way that I am no longer so sure of who I am, much as I once thought I was. Adding to that, I finally settled down with someone and our lives took a roller coaster ride that is apparently never ending. Every twist and turn leaves us reeling and gasping for hope. Still, I am faced with it and do not know what to do.
These things, among a few others, have brought out in me something that I never used to have a problem with handling. My temper. It was never brought to the surface so much as it has been in the past six years now. The roller coaster that is my life has pushed my stress level so far out of its boundaries that I have snapped off at the edges and haven’t come back. The saying that we all have a little darkness inside of us is so accurate and scary. The things we say or the things we do, when we are angry are not the person that we are but they are the mistakes that we make which makes us who we become.
I am not a bad person at least not wholly a bad one. I think I am capable of being but do not relish the idea of it. In recent years, with everything that has happened and then my father passing, my temper finally boiled its way out of the hidden volcano that was my mountain of self-loathing and doubt. Every bad thing I had ever felt inside about myself or my relationship(s) came boiling out in one huge explosion after another and I found I could not control it any longer. What’s worse is that it began to manifest itself long before this. I just never realized it because I was so absorbed and hurt and upset that I didn’t see it. Having spent the bulk of my life alone and being surrounded by friends who do almost nothing but give you shit about your every move or choice takes a toll that I could not see or feel outright. Now, years later, I realized to late my mistakes. Some were pointed out to me by loved ones and others no one ever cared to say and still others have gone unnoticed. I have damaged, and maybe irreparably so, my most important relationships.
I have tried asking forgiveness but I do not know if it is forth coming and even in so doing, I am still making mistakes, some even repeated though it is not intended to be so. I am trying to move forward and finding that I have a stony and trip filled path in front of me. I am trying to remove my jaded glasses and to let go of the things that hurt me the most. I do not know what is in front of me other than what I can see and I just hope that when this darkness clears that what is in front of me is still there holding on to me as I am trying to hold on to it. It is the light in the darkness, the protection from my fear, and the hope that drives me daily.
Tonight was a night of further revelation on me and my past and the person I am. It was a reminder that my journey is still not even close to completed and I have many sins to try to atone for over the years. I ask, daily, for help and guidance in that journey and fear what that could mean… even if it leads me out of the darkness the change that could come with it is not necessarily a change that I want and I hope that it is not a change at all.