When it comes to writing, I have learned much. It is hard to write. It's difficult to write about subjects that I am passionate about and hard to write about what I am versed in. It's next to impossible for me to write on subjects that I know next to nothing about or have little to no interest in as a whole. I have been absent from my blog for many months now. There are reasons behind my disappearance. They won't make sense to everyone or probably anyone really but that does not matter. What matters is that I quit writing for a long while; well, publicly at least.
I am not a journal keeper. I don't write daily in my journal that I keep under my mattress or whatever. I don't keep a sensitive dear diary I'm a whiny bitch book. Some times, my emotions or feelings do get the better of me and when that happens, I do find I tend to write about them. However, most of that stuff I write and then delete after a couple of weeks. I do not like to keep the bad memories on paper. I find it makes me want to cling to them and this, in turn, makes me feel useless or worse.
I am a story writer. I make things up. I give light to different worlds, characters, and places. In my minds eye, I have given birth to so many fictions and people that I am pretty sure I could make a Vegas hooker on welfare cry. Yea, I know, that's a pretty crude comment but that doesn't mean the analogy is not apt. I usually get the inspiration at the worst times. Like when I'm at work in the middle of a meeting. I don't jot the idea down because I am pretty sure I'd get myself in loads of trouble if I stopped every thing I was doing every fifteen to twenty minutes (or more on some days) to jot down some story or idea I had.
My motivation is not lacking. I want to write and I am pumped to do it. I actually have done quite a bit but I haven't posted anything. I keep it all to myself. It's a sad thought, really. I am alone in my own sadness sometimes, lost in my adventures in imagination at others, and still others I just barely get some of it down on paper. I have ideas in such numbers that it is hard to know where to begin.
Recently, I realized that it was all just an excuse. It was all just another reason to avoid posting or putting it out there. What happened? Well, I finally realized that I am afraid of being rejected. Pathetic, in reality, when I look back and I see what I've done to myself. I hobbled my own ability to be creative and be true to who I am. I have begun to understand that I stand in my own way. My friends have all told me, in some form or fashion, that my writing is amazing when they get to read what I've put on paper. I think what finally kicked me in the ass was going to church this past Sunday. Our sermon felt as though it was written just for me to hear. It was screaming at me in ways that I needed.
Added to this was a survey I had to take at work. I know my friends will give me shit because of what I have to say here. That's part of it. I know they respect me... well I think they do anyway. I found out loads about myself that I never paid attention to and now I cannot un-see it. I am very disappointed in myself. I have become an anti-social introvert who basically fears so much that I have made myself incapable of progress. I never used to be that way. I used to know what I wanted and I went for it. I used to be the guy who was confident in his choices and his reason. If I was proven wrong then so much the better because it meant I needed to learn something still. Now, I wake up sick to my stomach in the mornings due to stress and fear of what am I going to do wrong today. Sometimes it is the thought of will today be the day I get fired or fail my daughter.
This is not who I want to be. I never wanted to be this person. I have been destroyed. I cannot tell you how hard this is to admit to anyone, let alone all of you who are going to read this. However, something that I understand, whether or not I like it, is that I need to accept it and force myself outside my comfort zone if I am going to get out of this shell of fear. Some of you who read this are not going to know who I am really, some will know me in passing or a little better than the average stranger, and a fair number (I would guess) are going to know me well enough to know just how far out of my comfort zone I have just stepped.
Mock me, thank me, tell me you're proud... do what you will and say what you want... Really do please. I have to find that center and move back in to the person I want to be and not be the person I was pushed in to being over the past and recent years.
I hope and choose to believe this will be the thing that leads me to more blog postings and eventually putting up some of the stories i've started and might have finished in the near future. I do not know for sure. What I do know is that I am going to try and that is the best anyone can do.