I haven't posted the past couple of days because I've been doing the family thing and am in need of a little bit of the memory lane stroll.
Some of you know, others do not, that my father past November 7, 2014. This year I expect this to be a rough time of year as it is my first true year without my father and I say this knowing how hard I fought to gain some enjoyment out of my birthday, Turkey Day, and Christmas in 2014. I also say this as I look back feeling like that time frame was a long time ago. So tonight I am going to share something with you that I never actually put on paper but I wrote a short time ago as part of my dealing process.
I miss you. I see you every time I close my eyes at night just before bed. I was so fucking mad because you aren't here for a long time. I don't blame you and never did. Still, the anger has lingered. I am not as filled with rage as I once was but I can still you there are still vestiges of anger in there. Well, now that this is out of the way:
You are the bravest and strongest man I know. I always looked up to you and you were my original true hero. I know we had a rough history but I always knew, in my heart, that you loved me. I remember so many things about our relationship and our life. I can also remember the day you told me you were sick. I think that was the angriest I had ever been in my life. I was never mad at you though. At first, I was mad at God. Then, and this is where most of it still lays at times, I was mad at myself. I had just gotten married and I had just found out I was going to be a father. Then I found out you were sick.
It's funny, the first thought you have at times like that. Mine was that you wouldn't get to see Darcy grow up to be the beautiful and wonderful person that she is destined to be. My second thought was that it was my fault for not moving sooner in my life and doing all the things I was supposed to do.
I have since learned to deal with those emotions and understand now what I think I understood then. I Just didn't know it fully. If I had not followed the path I was on then I would not have what I have now. And I also know that, while you are no longer among the mortal life, you are seeing her grow up and that you are seeing everything that goes on in my life. I am grateful for that knowledge. Because of you, my Faith has grown stronger and that is something that I think I needed given what I was about to start going through. You always took care of me and you listened to me when I needed someone to talk to about things that I couldn't really get anyone else to understand because they were not a Flint Male. That is a trial and tribulation in and of itself.
I have spent a good deal of my time facing the fact that I will never get to hug you again and tell you, in person, that I love you. I will not get to sit and have those talks about Star Wars, or Harry Dresden books like we did for so long. I won't get to sit and watch the weird-shit-o-meter movies and tv shows we always watched. Not together... not like we used to do. But I have decided that, in the honor of those things that I am going to do certain things regardless. I will continue to watch those things and read those books because I enjoyed them. I will do it, too, because you enjoyed them.
I know now that while we will never sit on the couch making jokes at the movies and tv shows we loved; you are always within earshot and that you are still doing those things with me. I can feel you sitting there next to me sometimes smiling and laughing with me. (I even do the same things in church we used to do and it makes mom want to choke me still :D )
You fought for so long so that you could be there for so many things and not just for me. I want you to know that I have never been and could never be prouder of you than I am over the past five years. You never swayed and your faith never wavered. You were solid as a rock. Afraid or not, you faced it and did so head on.
So just know that if you are off doing something somewhere else, while you enjoy Heaven and you hear your name from my lips; it is because I am just remembering you and reminding myself of the things that I need to be reminded of and it's the things you would remind me of as well. I can only hope to be half as good to my daughter as you were to me.
I love you and miss you more than words can speak,
Your loving son