Today is probably not the smartest day for me to be blogging. Not in a good mind set right now. For a start, those of you that don't know I had to cancel the starting session of the Sunday's with 5e recording and session because I was celebrating my daughter's fifth birthday. Yes, I did not have to cancel it but I'd rather have spent the time with my daughter and the friends and family that showed up and were able to be there helping her create a good memory than to have ignored the day completely. Her actual birthday was Monday. Yes, yesterday. Situation being what it is, I am separated from my wife and working towards getting the divorce.
In that, I have my up moments and my down moments and my counselor or shrink or therapist or whatever you want to call it tells me that this is how it works. She tells me many things but I'm not sure how much of it smoke going up my ass and how much of it is a foundation based in real hope and desire of support. I struggle with psychiatry because I don't see it as a real science. It bothers me that people go to school to get a degree so they can have someone sit on a fucking couch and talk about their problems and go "Hm. Interesting" and make some note on a pad or whatever. Ok, in fairness that isn't how this has worked for me and it probably isn't a truth for many out there but I had to get my stereotyping in there someone because I am an asshole and it's what I do. I digress...
Today wasn't a particularly hard day at work. I did find it challenging to work on and almost complete a project that has taken me almost 9 hours to get done... only to have Excel lock up and I thought I'd lost the work. Thankfully, I did what I always do as a matter of habit and created the basic forms and saved the effing thing and then Excel's brain kicked in with it's auto-30 minute interval save. So that project isn't done but I feel like I'm pretty close.
Had a decent convo with a friend over some brain picking they needed to do of my IT knowledge and that was nice so that wasn't the problem. I even took my counselor's advice and told my soon to be ex-wife or what the fuck ever I'm supposed to call her, what I really felt about the last six years of my life. I did this because she, the counselor of course, says that she, the ex-something, has a right to know how I truly feel and to respond or some shit. And if I hold it in, I'll be come sociopathic or resentful or hateful... I'll be something negative, I understood that much. She, the ex-wtfever, hasn't responded to any of the 9 mile text message I sent her. So that's a bit unsettling but I am leaving the ball in her court. I was honest and wasn't trying to be a dick but hell it isn't like it matters at the end of the day anyway.
So, why is today such a shitty day? Because I took my daughter to the park. I know, I can see your faces as you all try and comprehend how this is such a horrible thing. She behaved. I chatted, briefly, with a woman who was walking a dog and letting her three year old son play. And it was after this conversation that my mind began to wonder around in dark alley's like it does at times. Now something good did come of this, I have an idea for a story I want to write so I am getting ready to get that on paper to see how it feels. (I have started and discarded some many shitty damn ideas for a story that I am beginning to feel like my ability to write has been diminished by the way Again, I digress...
I began to wonder, What if I died? Would anyone give a shit? My mom would but she's required to... it's a mother thing. My sister would, same reason. They would cry and be upset, don't get me wrong but they don't count... not for what my brain wanted. I have some friends who would show up at the funeral and one or two would probably actually cry and would maybe miss me. Though, knowing me the way they do, they would try to move forward and live their lives more fully because fuck it, I'm dead who cares? Right? Well anyway, once I got past that I realized that most of the people I know wouldn't give much of two shits. It isn't that anyone hates me (but I do think a couple do and won't admit it) So who's lives have I touched. And I look around me and all I can think is... no ones. I am truly at a loss because that is how I feel. No one would really care if I died and I don't know how to feel about that. What's worse is I don't know why I am thinking about it or why it matters. As a rule, I don't care. I died. if you loved me throw a party, celebrate my passing, eat lots of cake and other goodies and go forth and have a great life. If you hated me or disliked me, go forth and do the same but fuck off cuz I probably didn't care about you either so the feeling was mutual. Yes that makes me a bad Christian and human but I don't care. I am human and I'm allowed to be human: good, bad, or indifferent.
Anyway, that kind of made it a shitty night. I don't like when my mind goes to the dark recesses and drudges up shit like this. I have no desire to die or get in the ground so I.. I am loaded down with this. Anyway, I don't know what to think nor what to feel. Not intended to be.