So it’s Wednesday and I have decided that Wednesday is going to be a personal blog night for me. I’ll take this night to get out some of my personal views and feelings on things. Maybe talk about my life in general and share a bit of who I am. In all honesty, most of this blog has been that up to this point anyway. However, I seem to have settled in to half a schedule with some ideas. Sundays with 5e is not panning out yet but it will, I have faith. Monday’s 5e Review, for a while at least, is going to be a D&D topic that I want to express opinions and ideas on from the various versions of D&D until Sundays picks up as a session.
As a beginning, as most of you know, my wife and I are separated and looking at divorce. I wish it wasn’t happening and I thought it was repairable but, in her eyes, it is not. Since it takes two to tango... as they say… That’s all she wrote. I am broken hearted and maybe more than a little broken on the inside over this. It’s hard not to be but the counseling has helped. There is nothing to do but to try and pick up and move forward as best I can. Things have been rough and we have had our ups and downs and I have wanted to spit pure venom out about her and do so just to be hurtful. It is, after all, what humans do when they are hurting; they strike back to hurt. I want it known that I love her, to this very day and on in to the rest of my life, I love her. Nothing can or ever will change that. That does not mean, however, that I am incapable of loving someone else. I am not, at current, seeing any one because I do not know how to be that sociable person again, just yet. I know I have it in my heart to love again and I want to, as afraid of it as I am. I have never felt myself the best looking in any department but I know I can be funny and charming. Maybe… one day… someone will look at me and see someone they can love… Who knows… Uncertain the future is, as Yoda says,(Yes I made a Star Wars reference, don’t like it, I don’t care, I’m a Star Wars fan!). Anyway, enough of that… .
This is a free form writing tonight because my mind is all over the place. I have had some really bad days, weeks, months behind me and I am struggling to stay positive. I try to wake up and tell myself something positive every day, two or three if I feel a particularly rough day. I worry constantly about losing my job or my car breaking down… (wait, that happened already, we’ll get there) and I stay stressed. I take my delight where I can get it and that is mostly with my daughter because she is truly the light of my life. *Sigh* moving on ward…
I cried a little on my way home Monday evening. I had to get off work early to go to an appointment to get my diabetic shoes fixed a third time. My guy at this place is awesome. I showed him the problem and he said he’d get on the horn with the lab and get me a new pair ordered. He also asked me for some information to help me out on my employment front. I was touched by this. (Yes, I’m a man, I cried over something like this but something more) because this guy only knows me as a patient and yet he’s willing to go out on a limb to help me out. It’s nice to know there are still good people in this world. This wasn’t the only reason for my tears shed in the privacy of a vehicle that isn’t even mine. (Thank you to Michelle for that loan of over a week.) That added to the tears but I realize or maybe half realized, as I’m not good at this maintaining faith during times of heavy stress thing, that I need to hold to faith. God is taking care of me… I may not understand how or the plan right now but seeing the things that have happened, both good and bad, in the past couple of weeks, that He is watching over me. I am not even one worth watching over most of the time yet it still happens. It’s the little things that matter. I wish they kept everything in perspective for everyone, including me.
I have an Uncle who just found out he has stage 4 Cirrhosis of the Liver. This man, I used to idolize, but in the last fifteen years we haven’t really spoken. His opinion of me is not a great one and mine of him has dropped as I have gotten to know him as a man myself versus being that little boy who idolized his favorite Uncle. That’s my relationship with my mother’s brother. She hasn’t had a great relationship with him in the past twenty or so years but he is still her brother. This shit is hitting her square in the face and it hasn’t even been two year since my father passed from this world. For me, I have a lesson I have learned here. I haven’t taken very good care of myself in the past couple of years. I’ve been on a self-destruct path ever since the separation. Beating myself up, berating myself for being stupid enough to let my guard down and believe that someone actually loved me etc. It’s amazing what a shock to the system you can receive from someone that means little to you any more. I don’t hate my Uncle, don’t get me wrong but I just have no respect or much care for him. I care what his actions have done to my mother and what they are doing to her now. She’s gone through hell with my dad and his disease and now this… The lesson I took away from it was it’s time to stop being self-damaging and to pick up the pieces and move on with life. At least maybe this way I can be here for my mom and my daughter. Like I said, it’s the little things.