The pretense of caring is often a misguided belief. One can say they care about you or love you when in reality it is not true. They care or love or like the idea of someone or something. This is why I say it is a pretense of caring. People, as a rule, are good fakers at life. Fake friends, fake love, fake sex, fake family and so on and so forth. Often times, reality shines through and people cannot handle what they have saddled themselves with and life then becomes very complicated for those people.
I used to be a very blunt and openly honest person. I found myself in a relationship with someone who I fell in love with and decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with; a soul mate. I am a very flagrant person when I am emotional or when I am dealing with more than I am probably capable of handling on my own. When I am hurt I tend to lash out in my anger and pain. I guess somewhere along the way, I learned that if I hurt you will hurt. So I have made mistakes and I am no innocent when it comes to that part of relationships. I can hurt and burn with the best of them and while there are those out there better at it than I am; I am, sadly, pretty damn good at it. Problem is, I am not good at relationships. I knew this going in to the one that is now ending. I was honest about that going in to it with this person. I realize, now, I made a fatal mistake. I trusted. I put my belief in them. I let my guard down as much as I knew how to and could force myself too. I let someone inside.
Many of you will understand what it means to make this mistake and know the pain that comes with broken trust. To be lied to by someone and the more painful part is that the person never intended it to be lie. They held to their caring pretense. They “love” you. No, they really didn’t and do not. They have this idea of you and expect you to change to fit in to that idea. Fatal mistake number two, for me. I tried to conform to that idea for this person. They were important to me and I needed them to see that. The entire relationship was spent trying to prove the impossible to someone. This fatal mistake, I will never make again.
You see, I compromised the person that I was for the person I love. I guess I should say loved because I do not love them any longer. There is so much pain and anger in my heart that I think myself incapable of loving this individual now. So I am left to devices of outlet for rage, frustration, and depression. All because I let myself feel like it was safe to be human and to make mistakes. That is not to say that I am blameless in the ending of this relationship. After all, it does take two. However, I do not feel that the mistakes that I am told I made are truly the ones I am held at fault for in the end. I hold no ill will or mean desires towards the other person. Even if I did, I could never voice them because we are forever lodged in to each other’s lives and there is no changing that.
Now, years later, I sit back and reflect on all that I have been through and I remind myself that we all go through these heartaches to find what is meant to be after it is all over and ended. For now, I sit in the dark and ponder what is wrong with me or I distract myself with games and books. At times, I spend it with my daughter relishing in her laughter and our play time together. She truly is the best part of me and I would give up everything for her. Sadness, however, has taken its hold and I am but lost to say the least.
I say this now, knowing that the other will not read this and does not care, despite the pretense. I know, now, that love was never something you had for me. I know now that I could never live up to what you wanted because of the fairy tale beliefs that existed in your mind. No longer do you get to pretend you give a single damn about me and mine. I hear your silent judgement every time we talk. I feel the silent desire to cause me as much hurt and pain as you can find to dish out. I hold the blame that you give to me because I am a guilty soul and do not know how to let it go; though nothing wrong have I truly done. What I am is a person you could not handle and I tamed it down for you because I loved you and you were my world. What I am not is a fool about everything that has gone on and know better than to let myself be fooled by your misguided attempts to hide the truth. Who and what I am will never be compromised to make someone else happy ever again. If that means I am to forever be alone then so be it. It is far better than the misery of the past years and the pain that I have had to endure all because of the pretense of caring.