A good friend of mine just lost his mother in the last few days. It's been a tough and trying time. There is a long story and a large number of details to it. Details I am not going in to with this post because I have no desire to disrespect him or his mother's memory. I will say that though I barely new her; I did know that she was a good woman. I know her son loved her and she him. My heart goes out to him. It brought back memories for me though. That's the point of this.
My father died a few years ago. It was a tough time and he passed after a five year battle with cancer. It's tough to think about. Recent events, and not just my friend's mentioned above but other friends as well. It brought a ton of emotion to the surface. For the most part, I have dealt with the issues of it all. However, that doesn't mean that the occasional bout of emotion doesn't hit. I have to say that attending a memorial service for the first time since my father's was jarring to say the least. So, to say the least, my father died again. It all happened in the space of a heart beat and in the space of an hour. Granted it was in my head and heart but it still happened.
It's interesting how jarring one little hour can be to a person. Watching someone else go through it was almost surreal to say the least. I realized, as I revisited all the things that my dad went through, that my experience did not prepare me for being there or helping my friend(s). I sucked at dealing with it myself and I suck(ed) at being any good at consoling someone else who has to go through this. I wanted to tell him that everything was going to be okay and that he would get through this. It just sounded hollow as a thought, let alone saying it out loud. Then, i remembered something. It did not matter who said it or what they said to me. It was simply hearing that someone was concerned. It was hearing that someone was concerned. It felt go to know or feel, as it were, that someone was there or willing to be there.
I cried. I cried for over an hour, after the last few days settled down. I held it in until everyone was gone and I could be alone. I wanted to make sure no one saw me dealing with the renewed grief. Not out of shame or embarrassment. I just wanted to be alone. I just wanted to process alone. I also did not want to look like I was trying infringe upon my friend's grief. He needed someone to be there. He needed his friends there for him. I did not need my friends to be there for me on this. I have someone. She has been there for me through this. She has been my savior in this.
Yes, for all intents and purposes, my dad died again yesterday. Yes, I felt the pain of the loss. Yes, I miss my dad. Yes, Dad, I love you and I miss you.