Good evening folks. YES, it’s that time again. The rambling of some strange fat man with a goatee on the interwebs… wait, I’m not Kevin Smith. (As a side note: Kevin Smith, if I ever get famous and you read this at some point, don’t hate. I’m a fat man too and you happen to be one of my heroes!) I do like to go on though, something I am learning about myself. I have so much stuff rumbling around in this brain of mine that it won’t all sit still. As a result, when I sit down to write, it all comes bowling towards my finger tips and tries to come flowing out. That wouldn’t be so bad except that when it all gets there, I freeze up and then nothing comes out because it’s all fighting to be first. Such is the nature of being a budding writer I guess.
On the subject of firsts, I found myself pondering the subject of first loves tonight. I have been reflecting on my life over the past few years. No, this is no exception to anything in me as I am bad for constantly looking back and wondering. It is not a what-if wondering; those rarely happen to me. It is more of wondering how the hell I wound up on this particular path. People say that it is important to be yourself and not let others influence who you are. As I look back on my life, I begin to wonder how it is even possible to not let others influence your life or direct the course of who you are. We can all be our own person but part of that being comes from our surroundings and outside influences.
In that reflection, I realized that it’s not about not letting outside influences affect who you are. It’s about being true to the person that you are trying to be and the person that you are or want to be. The thing about the outside influences is that you have to look at and deal with them and as a result they have an indirect or a direct effect on the person we are. Try as we might, as human beings, everything affects us and nothing can stop it. Take relationships, as an example. We live and die by relationships. They mold the person that we are and the person we become. If you have good ones then you are mostly a happy person; even if they end in some fashion. The opposite occurs if you have bad ones.
Now, in that line of thought, here’s a question: How many of you immediately jumped to the romantic relationships when I mentioned the word? I will guarantee it was the majority, if not all, of you reading this. This is something that shows how human beings operate. First and foremost in our brains is the desire to love, be loved, make love, and forge a lasting intimate bond with that special someone in our lives. It is, I think, something that is hardcoded in to our DNA. We, as a species, must survive and therefore we must form that intimate relationship with at least ONE other person. Some of us have multiple someone’s and that’s ok too for those people. (And yes, this can be one person with multiple partners at once or just someone who’s been through several relationships.)
HOWEVER, I wasn’t just referring to romantic ties. I was referring to all the relationships we forge in our life. Friendship, parenthood, lovers, business, and acquaintances are all different forms and versions of relationships. These relationships are all predicated on interaction with other people. Some people have many relationships others have very few and even still some keep those relationships to a minimum. What builds these relationships is the power of personality and all that it entails. All these relationships help make up the person we are and become. Our friends help build us up, our lovers help maintain our sanity, our parents prepare us for the world, and our bosses are assholes or like-able enough that we “get on well” with them. Each relationship in our life changes the person we are and help determine how jaded we are or even how happy we are, to a degree.
The reason why I went through all that is because I have been reflecting on the relationships in my life and wondering what kind of a change they have all had on me. Now, since the prominent thought is still going to be romance, I will start there. I have been used and abused and as a result, I am a very jaded individual. However, I found someone who loves me for me. We have a family together and with any luck that will not go away. She has pointed out to me just rose colored view of the fairer sex and helped me to overcome some of my issues. I do not know if I have managed to do the same for her but I hope so. We have conversations about many things and we have forged a good friendship as well as a marriage. This lead us down the path of having a child and I love my daughter more than I have ever loved anyone or anything and that is not changing any time soon. She has been a positive influence in my life and has shown me some faults that I struggle to deal with.
My family relationships have changed a bit. My father, God rest his soul, taught me about being a man and a good father. I like to think that I am a good father and it is because of him. My mother taught me the wisdom that I sometimes lack is still inside I just have lost sight of it at times. She and I need each other especially now. My In-Laws have seen me at my best and at my worst and they still love me (well that or I’m the biggest liar of all time) and I am glad for them. My friends have taught me to see past my physical faults and have even helped me to mend them or deal with them. They have given me strength to truly understand what it is to “not care what another things”. I have learned that others opinions do not really matter. What matters is my own opinion of my own self-worth. That is something that has been very low and this has been true quite a bit throughout my life.
In the end of it all, I realize that I am who I am and that is thanks to the relationships I have forged in my life. This is regardless of whether those are good, bad, or indifferent. That means that I am appreciative of my relationships and I am especially thankful for those in my life because they are all helping me by showing me how to discover who I am.