I realize I have used this title before, somewhat. However, it's mildly appropriate. I've had quite a bit going on in my life and have learned just how far I have to go. At the same time, I've learned just how far I have traveled. I find that life is never easy and the journey, however, is not always worth the pain we go through to get to where we are heading in life.
Life throws us curve balls all the time and sometimes, especially in my Flint Luck case, it's one curve ball after another after another after another. I can tell you that, right now, I am on the verge of giving up entirely. This is partly just momentary frustration but it is partly from months... no, years of nothing but pretty much bad things happening. That's not to say that good things haven't happened but the bad far outweighs the good and most days, I struggle to see the light at the end of the tunnel and even half of those days; I am waiting on the train to hit me.
Few know the struggles that I have dealt with in recent months and fewer still really give a damn what it is that happens to me. I know this and have tried to force myself to accept this as a part of my reality. Among the things I have accepted in my daily life: the constant struggle to actually get somewhere in life, the daily depression of waking up and having to look at myself in the mirror and lie to myself about what a great day it's going to be, having to pretend everything is okay when ninety-nine percent of the time it is really not okay. Most of you that read this will read it and move on. Some of you will stop and thing about it for a minute but that's all the notice this will get from anyone.
I say this not to elicit sympathy or to get attention from anyone because fuck that. I am not so desperate that I will stoop so low. I'd rather just kill myself and let the world go on and burn without me in it. It's going to happen. At some point, this world will continue without any and all of us. Reality says that we all die at some point. It is few and far between those of us that occasionally look forward to death. I admit it; there are times when I do just that. It is not a desire to die or be dead. I am not going to go and off myself just to see where it all lands. I can tell you right now there are probably five people that would even give two shits if I died tomorrow.
So what is this line of shit all about? Frustration. pure and simple. It's about my frustration. All you myriad of people go about your daily lives and never once to stop and consider someone else. Look at the state of our country and political leadership. We are a nation of do not give a shits raising a soon to be nation of self-entitled dicks. I am, literally so, disgusted with this country and with most all of the people I know. People who would vote for Donald Trump just to keep Hillary out of office and vice versa. I mean, seriously, how pathetic is our social and political system that we would even allow this to ever get that far?
I live in a country where, even though I have a bachelor's degree, I get paid turds for a job where I should at least get peanuts in an area where if you make fifty grand or better then you are (in essence) one of the rich mother fuckers. Most of the people that are in those spots of making decent money don't know their ass from a hole in the ground and those of us that do? Well, let's just say you can park a truck in the three car garage that's next to the five person household that is tied the garage. I know I'm not a perfect employee and I fuck up but DAMN I should still easily be making five grand more than I am and I probably should be making more; not that it really matters.
All I'm trying to say is I am so frustrated that I can barely see past the tip of my own nose. I have been fighting an up-hill battle most of my life and tonight, I realized just how tired I am of it. Does not matter, in end I'll be stuck pushing that same big rock up the same stupid hill and watching it roll backwards on me. I read a book called the secret. The principle of it is that that if you think happy thoughts and put positive energy out in to the universe then that's what you will get back. I tried to maintain an open mind about "The Secret". I tried to close my eyes, woosa the hell out of some bad stress I have come to the conclusion that this book is more full of shit than the New York Sewer system. I put positive energy out in to the verse and ya know what I got back? Shit on. Yes, I had a few good things happen and the good help me but over all, I am pretty sure I'm some deity's toilet or own personal amusement park.
What I will say is that I continue to plug forward and try to make some headway. I will continue to work on my writing. I will continue to post my blogs. I will do my best to be worth rat's ass and do my job to the best of my ability. I will continue to be who I am because I don't know how to be any other person or way. In the mean time, good luck to all of you in your endeavors and may the world shit on you less that it has me in my life.